Friday, August 18, 2006

Our God is a Piece of Cheese

How can anyone follow a religion whose adherents are known for seeing their savior in just about everything from trees to lumps of chocolate.

I mean, let me get this straight, Jesus and Mary can't bring peace to the world, can't do much of anything to make people better, end war, end hunger, or even overcome other religious beliefs...
but they can spend all their time inducing images of themselves (or more properly resembling the romanesque versions of themselves which archaeologists and historians agree do not look anything like the real people, as their images are stolen from Roman Gods) in everything from toast to chocolate.
Not to mention they're praying to this thing when their religion strictly condemns worship of idols (images of gods or anything in heaven or on earth)
Yes bow down and worship your confectionary deity. I'm so tempted to go to that place, snatch the chocolate and bite it's head off. mmmmm chocolate deity!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Vampires and Tigers and Crap! (Oh My!)

So...what started out this past weekend as a discussion on the sad state of horror for the past decade has turned into a movie. Well maybe, if we're lucky. Vaguely stated it has become a trilogy idea (as nearly everything I write turns into a trilogy lately) and it involves Vampires. Oh yes. And no, I'm not telling you anymore, because it's becoming a good story. You'll like it. You'll buy the DVD. And the Soundtrack, which I'm already planning on writing with my band, the Age of Death. You like them too.

Well, ok enough of my attempted mind control. (Did it work?) As it stands there's a pretty good outline and several characters are developing nicely. If your particularly curious about what I'm writing, go back and read my Borg Dreams posts for now. More of that shite's coming soon as well.

Horror used to tell a story, and had a moral, a higher meaning. After that it at least shocked in a fundamental and gruesome way without excessive gore. Now all horror has left are pseudo murder-mysteries with a killer on the loose (Scream), pure gore fest (hostel)

To be fair there have always been more than enough crappy horror flicks (The Head that Wouldn't Die) but they weren't POPULAR when they sucked.

And for the record, I at no point considered movies such as The Village, Resident Evil or Return of the Living Dead to be "horror" movies. The Village, I thought, was a very good movie, with no "horror" in it. It was more a tragedy (In literature a tragedy is a work where the protagonist seeks to separate himself from society, it is not a "sad" story). Resident Evil was an action flick straight up. There was no surprise and very little suspense. We knew the enemy was umbrella corp and the zombies. Blow 'em up and head on home. Thats action. And for those of you who for some reason think the Return of the Living Dead series is horror, you have mental problems. Those are comedies (in the modern non-literary sense) meant to poke fun at horror (especially the night/dawn/day of the dead movies). Night of the Living Dead, THAT was a horror movie. Dawn of the Dead (even the remake) was a zombie horror movie.

What makes a horror movie? To me it's quite simple. HORROR. There must be fear. Not surprise at sudden noises, but genuine fear occurring as the result of sympathy for the protagonist in their plight against some evil foe.

For example, in Rob Zombie's film, House of 1000 Corpses (which I loved by the way) you pretty much end up hating at least one of the "heroines" of the tale and may or may not sympahise with the other main characters. You sympathize with the "bad guys". The killers. Gives some interesting insight into the mind of Zombie, but when completed with the Devil's Rejects, the audience is drawn to the family, rather than their victims, most of whom are not seen for very long before they're killed.

Then there's "When a Stranger Calls" which was a ripoff of one scene from "Scream" which was in turn a ripoff of "Dial M for Murder". Some movies deserve to be remade. They're good and in the right hands, the remake can also be good. These movies are ones which have mostly gone out of public consciousness and thus can offer something seemingly new by being revisited. When Scream did the scene, it could be considered tribute to horror history. This new film? Pure ripoff shite.

And... Snakes on a Plane? Didn't see it, not going to waste the brain cells...but SHIT what the hell are they thinking?

I could go on, but I've successfully removed the portions of my brain that held the horrid memories of other crap piles, and I don't want to remember any more.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Council

There were once four great leaders who were at war with one another. A cease fire was called so that the leaders could treat with one another.

The first was known as the red. He was aggressive and prone to anger. His forces were disciplined and strong and in a straight battle he was most often the victor. In his most recent battle, his forces quickly rushed the field before his enemy was fully organized. He won quickly, and much of his enemy'’s force was destroyed.

The second was known as the blue. He was noble and honorable, always acting with dignity. His forces were beyond reproach. They committed no dishonorable act, lest they be punished by their own leader. When one of his soldiers followed the example of the reds in pillaging a conquered town, the man lost his head for attempting to force himself on a woman. She and her family where henceforth guaranteed protection, and recompensed with all the soldiers property. The forces of the blue were often gladly welcomed into even the cities they conquered, for they were just, and kept peace and order.

The third was known as the yellow. He was always patient and hesitated to act with violence against his enemies when it could be avoided. It was he who most recently lost a battle to the red, and who called for this conference. Always willing to treat, and avoid conflict when possible. His forces disliked combat and he had the smallest army. He was often defeated, but remained strong due to wide support of those who no longer wished to continue fighting. In a battle not long ago, he faced a much larger force and attempted to leave every opportunity to make a peaceful resolution. His enemy would not have it and was already on the field of battle before the yellow had so much as departed for it. When he arrived, he knew already his enemy's position and array. His forces came up behind his enemy, and was victorious having taken them by surprise, as they grew impatient and lax.

The fourth was known as the green. Little was known of him, but that he rarely fought and never seemed to lose. His men were silent as the trees, and were neither humble nor proud.

After several days of discussion, mainly led by the yellow, the red began to grow impatient and felt the yellow was just buying time for his forces torecuperatee. In a fit he stormed out. The yellow and the blue continued to talk a bit while the green sat in silence, drinking his tea.

The red returned, bursting through the door, drew his sword and before the yellow could do more then turn around, the red had cut off his head. In response the blue quickly rose. Due to the injustice of attacking an opposing leader during an agreed upon cease fire to broker a truce, the blue responded to the red with his own sword. The two fought long and hard, as they were evenly matched. Thrusts were parried and the hall rang with the sound of steel.
The green continued to sip his tea.
The red knocked the blue back, and seemed to get the upper hand. A thrust landed and penetrated the blue near his side, below his ribs. The blue thrust his sword upward, right through the heart of the red. The red fell over dead as the blue withdrew his sword, then dropped it. The blue then pulled the red'’s sword from his own abdomen. He applied pressure with his hand but it was too late. The blue knew he likely had damage to his organs. In pain and bleeding to death, he sat back against a post. The blue died. The green finished his tea.

The green rose and on leaving, his servant began to question him.
"My lord, why did you sit there while battle raged all around?"
"“Our enemies have destroyed one another." Replied the green. "“We have won the war without fighting a battle."
The green went on to be a great and wise ruler over all the lands, until the end of his days.